The "Jackass 3D" Prophecy

I am a follower of an admittedly obscure religion called ArcLightism. The tenets of my faith are outlined in a prophetic text called the Cinema Doctrine; I believe that this book offers the best moral guidance available to the human race, that it was written by the Creator Himself, and that it’s every word is true.

One of the more controversial passages in the Cinema Doctrine is known as the “’Jackass 3D’ Prophecy,” outlined in chapter 7, verse 12 of the text. It reads as follows:

“On October 21, 2010, at 8.20pm, there shall be a great, cleansing fire in the theater presenting ‘Jackass 3D’ at the ArcLight Cinema in Hollywood; woe is the fate of the unbeliever!”

In spite of it’s specificity, many adherents of ArcLightism have dismissed this passage. They reason that this must be an instance of the Creator’s words getting “lost in translation,” or that it is merely an elaborate metaphor which lies beyond mere human comprehension. These ArcLightists, good intentions notwithstanding, are wrong. I am among those who believe that we cannot pick and choose which parts of the Cinema Doctrine are to be believed – it is inerrant in it’s every word (Chapter 1, verse 3).

As the date of the screening approached, I was obviously compelled to warn those around me, whether or not they share my faith. Some dismiss me as a lunatic, while still others think that, while I am "misguided" in my approach, it is not their place to question my deeply held religious convictions, so long as I am not hurting anyone. From where I stand, this will not do; my faith compels me to try and save those whose lives are, in my Doctrinally-based worldview, in imminent danger.

The ArcLight Cinema in Hollywood, while skeptical, has given me an audience. Like so many others, they say that they can see no empirical evidence which "justifies" my beliefs; after all, their fire alert system is state-of-the-art, and “there is no evidence whatsoever that this particular auditorium, at this particular showing, is any more or less susceptible to fire than any other” (from their somewhat condescending press release, dated October 10, 2010). Despite the protests of myself and many other fundamentalist ArcLightists, they plan to proceed with the screening as scheduled.

My ArcLightist friends and I have made signs warning of the Great Cleansing Fire, citing chapter and verse, and arrive to the theater early on the afternoon of October 21, 2010. We are here to show the nonbelievers the error of their ways, and to warn any who might plan to see “Jackass 3D” at 8.20pm of the divinely-sanctioned consequences of their actions. Most people walk past us without so much as making eye contact; we are, after all, just a “fringe” sect, but far be it from them to challenge our unwavering religious devotion (this they would do at their own peril; ref. Cinema Doctrine, Chapter 4, verse 7). A few, upon hearing and reading our dire warnings, decide that it is best to hedge their bets, and while they may not necessarily believe the Cinema Doctrine in it’s every word, they opt not to attend the screening. I raise my eyes to the heavens, and thank the Creator for every soul I’ve helped set on the path to salvation.

Then, to my absolute horror, my friend Robert arrives at the theater. In spite of his unwillingness to believe in the divinely-penned Cinema Doctrine, I still love Robert dearly; it is my hope that, seeing how good and righteous a life I live, he will eventually come around, and embrace ArcLightism. The Creator assured us in Chapter 2, verses 3-7, that we would be met with skepticism, and that we must face it head-on. It is incumbent upon the Saved to share their joy with those around them, and to spread the gospel of the Cinema Doctrine to all who will hear.

I ask Robert, my voice betraying my nervousness, what brings him to the cinema on this particular evening. His reply, though not entirely unexpected, fills me with a profound sadness. He is attending the 8.20 showing of “Jackass 3D.”

Robert and I have had many discussions about our differing worldviews, all of them civil (if at times rather heated). We have discussed the “’Jackass 3D’ Prophecy” at length – he has always sited it as one of the primary reasons he is unwilling to embrace ArcLightism. Robert believes that any Creator who would plan such a “barbaric” act is not worthy of worship; I retort that it is not our place to question the Creator (after all, the Creator Himself said as much, many times over, in the Cinema Doctrine!).

I plead with Robert not to attend the showing, if for no other reason than out of deference to my faith. After all, it is only a single screening, and what if he’s wrong? What if, I reason, the “’Jackass 3D’ Prophecy” is true, and his hubristic lack of faith results in his own demise? If he is wrong, then he will have perished whilst flagrantly disregarding the Creator’s Revealed Law (which, ArcLightists will know from Chapter 3, verse 17, will result in “a suffering [which] transcends that of mere non-believers, one thousand times over”)!

Robert becomes frustrated with my “ranting and raving,” as he calls it. While our discourse has always been cordial, it is obvious that we are now at a tipping point. While I value Robert’s friendship – because I value it! – I cannot sit idly by and watch him throw his life away. If he could only understand why I believe as I do -- if he would only embrace the Cinema Doctrine as the perfect distillation of human values that it is, and embrace the comfort it offers -- his life would be not only saved, but vastly more fulfilled!

At 8.10pm, after several minutes of increasingly frantic debate, Robert walks away with a curt “I’ll see you after the show.”

**********

It is now 9pm. I am sitting in my car, sobbing and praying for guidance from the Creator. While several of my fellow ArcLightists have stayed behind to watch the fulfillment of the Creator’s glorious prophecy, I haven’t the constitution for it.

“Please,” I implore Him Most High, “if you would only spare Robert, then the Great Cleansing Fire will have served an even greater purpose; surely, he will see the error of his ways, and will devote the rest of his life to Your service!”

I stop myself, horrified at what I’ve just said. My love for Robert notwithstanding, he has made his choice; how presumptuous of me to question the will of the Creator, however heartbreaking the loss of my friend might be. I dry my eyes, and apologize for my lack of faith.

If it is His will to spare those in the theater – an eleventh-hour reprieve, evident of His limitless mercy and forgiveness -- then so be it. The will of the Creator is inscrutable, and, come 10pm, my faith shall only be strengthened.

A storm brews on the horizon, the clouds absorbing the lights of the city on their path to the heavens. I start the car and drive away.